This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
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when revenge coincides with naptime
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
*pronounces patio like ratio
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.