If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
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Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Bruh PLEASE
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.