@wokieleaks1: This thread gets better every time I read it
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@Shut_up_Marissa: Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
@cpabry: Pal - "Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?" Me - "I'll need a screwdriver." Pal - "Sure what type?" Me - "Greygoose or Kettle One."
@UncleDuke1969: If I had a time machine, I'd go back & mess with myself. I'd delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
@WorkingMom86: *at hostage negotiation class Prof: Let's go around and say why we're here Man: I joined the NYPD Woman: I'm in the FBI Me: I have a toddler