I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
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This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Tough love is true love
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”