This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
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I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
cyclists
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.