This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
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Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.