Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
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I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫