“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
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Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
For when Tinder doesn’t work
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!