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@Aspersioncast: "This tofu tastes like chicken."
No one believes you dude.
@david8hughes: Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o'clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o'clock]: we'll worry about him in an hour then
@NoogsCorner: Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."
@RickAaron: This grocery store is playing "Freebird" which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
@iinkedZombie: Wife: "Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!"
Me: "Thanks! I've been working out!"
@sixfootcandy: Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.