“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
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Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”