This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
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I put construction worker experience on my resume because Iβve done build a bear several times.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didnβt!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didnβt!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didnβt see myself eating them!
you ever stop and think to yourself, βwhy am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?β
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say βi missed you,β and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Don’t we all.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad