this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
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my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
good work, detective
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
So the ex texted me
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop