this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
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“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation