My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
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If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.