bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
You Might Also Like
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔