My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
You Might Also Like
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]