@KenJennings: "This tweet isn't funny yet. Welp, better remove all the commas and capital letters! Ah, PERFECTION!" --me
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@envydatropic: Like my nana used to always say, "screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else"
@SortaBad: "We need to kill the terrorist NOW" But how.. "The human body is 70% water" Jesus, you know what to do *terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
@TheBeerGuy73: Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake. I know this now.