@KenJennings: "This tweet isn't funny yet. Welp, better remove all the commas and capital letters! Ah, PERFECTION!" --me
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@brendohare: People keep coming up to me & saying "You have the right amount of hair my son." Is this normal? Does anyone else have this problem? Hello??
@atDevin: I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I'd never be caught dead at a Walmart.
@MsFoxIfUrNasty: [housefly pilot training] Instructor: You encounter a window! What do you do? X: Test the same 3 spots for weakness? I: Repeatedly! Good.
@Carbosly: Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again? Works for my computer.