@KenJennings: "This tweet isn't funny yet. Welp, better remove all the commas and capital letters! Ah, PERFECTION!" --me
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@De_ja_vu_who: Deathbed confession Me: We're bankrupt Him: What? How? Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
@msbtx: Son: What does "nihilism" mean? Me: "Everything is meaningless." Son: Wow ok nice attitude. Do you know what it means or not?
@catstronomical: Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas] Me: *putting tiara on cat's head* you're a pretty pretty princess!