@SamGrittner: This Uber driver is the worst. I can't roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won't open, and now his siren is blaring.
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@DRUNKdadding: "Sure, you can wear shorts to preschool today." -the reason I am sleeping on the couch right now
@Just_Lee_: The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
@Lola_Areola: Four year olds can't even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.