This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
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Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*