“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
You Might Also Like
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
A friend sent me this.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.