@meganamram: This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
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@ComedicBust: As soon as I get to a party, I start saying goodbye; that way I'm out of there within 4 hours.
@myonlymizztake: Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can't wait.
@Brampersandon_: [Me]: *slams fork & knife down on table* Not cool, babe. [Wife]: You didn't honestly think there'd be weed in your pot pie, did you?
@UncleDuke1969: [furniture store] Wife: We're putting in a bar. Salesman: OK Wife: And... S: Yes? W: Go ahead, say it. Me: WE'RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.