This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
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Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
a badder mouse
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
War & Peace
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.