This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
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Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?