@OhNoSheTwitnt: This "violence in the workplace" seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn't do. No fighting techniques or anything.
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@samfromks: My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it'd probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.
@SemFitty: Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
@tastefactory: Wizard: Give me a burger Waiter: what's the magic word? Wizard: Abracadabra Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok