@Molly_Kats: This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I'm not going to work tomorrow.
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@AimeeHelene1: "It's the holidays" *eats a pizza* "It's the holidays" *eats 3 cheeseburgers* "It's the holidays" *eats my food, your food & a small baby*
@murrman5: [looking at wife's tombstone] today would've been our anniversary *falls to knees* why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
@squirrel74wkgn: [at Doctor's office] "When's the last time you had sex?" Last night. "With a male or female?" Oh...with another person?