@Molly_Kats: This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I'm not going to work tomorrow.
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@kumailn: "I'll be a dentist. Then they'll love me." "We're terrified of dentists." "I'll kill a lion!" "It was a beloved lion with a name." "Dammit."
@Super_Cynthia: 911: What's your emergency? [sounds of struggling and growling] 911: Hello?! Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
@nthonyswan: Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
@liv_thatsme: *babysitting* Me (to my 4 year old nephew): I think I heard someone break in; will you go check?