To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
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Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.