best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
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Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”