My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
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Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Strange
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms