11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
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“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
how to exercise your calf muscles
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
stop
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Oh my god
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.