If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
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Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
just gave your address to some spiders
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”