This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
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You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Breaking news:
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.