This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
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Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Sniffing the broccoli
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.