This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
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oh my god
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I camp so other people don’t have to.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty