I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
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Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
An odd boast
Welcome
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]