Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
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ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me