ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.