Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
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Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
The glockness monster
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name