An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
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I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently