My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 馃様
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7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Waiter: don鈥檛 touch the plate, it鈥檚 extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
early stone age tool
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
What鈥檚 with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.馃憤馃構馃槂
some cats are just doing for fun!
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn鈥檛 even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Me: What鈥檚 your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I鈥檝e never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.