Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
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All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money