If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
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*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
The Weeknd is back
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
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