*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
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I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
“Sheer Arrogance”
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes