i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
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“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Bill is short for Billiam
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese