This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
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3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.