@MzCoburn: This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
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@kiel_phillips: ME: Dave's coming over for tea WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I'm having a secret affair with? DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don't eat peas
@MatCro: [GF comes home to find our son alone] Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk! ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
@mattsurely: Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
@BrandonBrown522: My cow Rosie won 3 blue ribbons at last year's 4H show so I have pretty high hopes for her at this year's chili cook off.