@MzCoburn: This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
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@Kyle_Lippert: The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said "Flawless Victory!"
@JermHimselfish: *takes a home pregnancy test* *finds out home is pregnant* *calls a carpenter to find out if it's gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
@YourAnMoron: Judge "Why are you divorcing her?" Me "She changed the station during Bohemian Rhapsody." J "You get half her stuff." *air guitar solo*
@The_MartiniGirl: The sampler tester at the liquor store told me to stop coming back every hour in a disguise.