This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
You Might Also Like
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I’m about to risk it all
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t