This will teach them to underestimate me
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The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if youβre wondering what parenthood is like
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Alexa, set the neighborβs fire alarms for 3am.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Your script should feel like a movie. Thatβs why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalkedβ¦
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say BeyoncΓ©. It’s the only way to be safe.