MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
You Might Also Like
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Shortcut
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Carpe DM
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
@funTweeters
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself