My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
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Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.