My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
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“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
They’re not wrong
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt