@onelongbender: This woman at work sounds just like me. I'm going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice.
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@jackiembouvier: [First date] Me: So, I've been married for 12 years - Him: You're married?? Me: Is that a problem?
@chuuew: [planning heist] Me: We'll need the element of surprise. Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I'm Ne
@ruthakers: I hate when my kids say "But mom; it was an accident!" So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.
@TheToddWilliams: [backstage at GOP debate] AIDE: Mr. Trump needs his hair. CAT: I'm puking as fast as I can.