Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
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Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.