This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
You Might Also Like
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please