This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
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*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I already tried new things thanks.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not