@PoonWhisperer1: This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she's never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV] 3-year-old: I hate this show. Me: What's wrong with it? 3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
@DaddyJew: *6 opens piggy bank* Me: wtf where'd you get all that? 6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you'd never know
@Rebelling_Jyn: Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans? Nothing this big stays secret. Just Google them. There's probably a torrent somewhere.