This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
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My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.