This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
You Might Also Like
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.