This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
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No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”